learning to allow

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“And having learned, too, by now, some of the pitiful confusions in behaviour caused by ignorance and pain, I love you no less for what you were.”

- Alice Walker, Living by the Word

I’m in my AirBnB in Alkmaar Netherlands. I suddenly had this feeling like I hadn’t stopped all year. Like I’m just now pausing and seeing where I’m at. Feeling what’s up. Something I’ve learned about myself is I am the most sentimental person. I am so deeply emotional, so deeply feeling. Change requires processing through me. Letting go takes ages inside me. Outside I can maintain, I can push, I can make things happen in the world. I can move toward my desires. But inside I am pillow soft. I am learning. I’m full of contradictions as I’m sure we all are. But deeply, and consistently I feel at home with a low level of sadness, of mourning. Songs, movies, books and scenes that speak to it are my favourite. It’s not that I can’t feel joy, that I don’t see and appreciate all that is my life, because I do. It’s just there is this depth of feeling, this visceral feeling of things. It can be something small like the way the top of a body of water sparkles in the sun, or how a perfect mix of nineties brandy, mary j and aaliyah stumbled upon on soundcloud can take me back to being young. I know too that I’ve always been this way.

I can’t remember a version of me who wasn’t penning love letters to someone who likely found it way too much. Who wasn’t searching to find new ways to tell the ones around me how deeply I adore them. Who wasn’t putting on a brave face when things got tough and continuing to handle things, despite. I thrive with space and time and peace. Maybe we all do. I need minutes, hours, days alone to calibrate, to process, to gain perspective. I like silence. I like to observe. For a long time, I’ve judged myself simply for being me. I’ve told myself I’m too sensitive, too emotional, too quiet, too needy, I love too much, I feel too much. And I’ve decided I won’t do that anymore, or I’ll try to catch myself when I do. I am the way that I am. I am a deep pool of emotion for some precious reason, I think I might understand someday. I am a gentle vessel, learning to allow the full range of my emotions. To silence myself less. To allow myself more. I think maybe that’s the key to life. To allow all things.

I’ve been reading Alice Walker’s writing on my trip so far. Her takes on life and relationships are speaking to me so much. I love when I feel called toward a certain author or a certain book and it turns out to fit just so. She writes about life, exactly what I love to read. About the little details, the contents of her dreams, what her childhood horse taught her, how she learned to accept her fathers brand of love. I love this style of writing life. It helps me in sitting back and observing. Reminds me to reflect and notice. I am learning to let go and seeing that in doing so room is created for more, energy is created for what’s next. Holding too tightly stifles every time. Sometimes if it feels important, if it feels crucial, it’s hard to let go a little. It feels risky to step back. From my experience though letting go, taking a few deep breaths and saying a little prayer creates the space needed for what’s next. Maybe it will work for you too.

for more listening:

I'm scared of my Dreams

I sat down to work today and instead I started to write. In the pursuit of my dreams there are things that come up that I feel compelled to put on the page. Lately, I've noticed how as the opportunities I've dreamt about feel closer than ever, I feel more afraid than ever before. 

I look back in my writing and see the same theme. I'm afraid of my dreams. 

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Luck as a Cop Out

Luck: A thing that women give credit to for their success. What men give credit to: skill.” - Jessica Bennett, Feminist Fight Club

The word luck makes me slightly uncomfortable; for me, it conjures images of four leaf clovers and little leprechauns dressed in green. When something positive happens and someone tells me I’m lucky, I resent that statement. Chalking up successes to “luck” feels like admitting that it is simply by chance that things have gone well. I have adopted a very active idea of success.

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Bridging the Gap

I haven’t sat down and written in months and for me that is a clear sign I’m far from myself. Usually it means my energy has been sucked in a direction, intentionally or unknowingly that isn’t serving me. Writing about oneself can feel narcissistic or self absorbed. I can write it off in my head as unnecessary and trivial, but that’s a lie. For me writing about my life helps me understand my life. I’m prone to reminiscing. There’s something about looking back that helps me face forward. I get deeply lost- or so I think- from time to time. For me that usually looks like striving too hard until I inevitably burn out and take to my bed to recoup. It looks like darkness and confusion, questioning and sadness. During those times the future seems bleak and terrifying. Somehow though, usually from the other side, I recognize these dark and painful periods as points of growth and often of letting go. It is anything but easy to try to bridge the gap from the girl I was to the woman I’m becoming, and so, I write.

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Love Letter to My Younger Self

Dear sweet girl,

I am writing to you from down the line. Today you are 26. You are thriving, but there are some things I want you to know. First of all I want to tell you I love you. Deeply. It took me some time to truly get to this place but it made all the difference. What really helped was looking in the mirror, telling you that I love and accept you exactly as you are. That face in the mirror will follow you wherever you go, be kind to her. How you speak to her will create a blueprint for how everyone in your life will speak to you, choose wisely.

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beautiful summer

How does it happen?

The attachment and then letting go.

How can you be so content, so involved, enthralled, happy. You see no future of uncertainty, you have no expectation of ever wanting to remove yourself from the situation, get away.

How do you see someone and want to know them, learn to deal with their issues, their quirks, learn to laugh at their jokes, develop a bond and one day decide it isn't worth it?

How do you walk away when you told someone you would stay?

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What 2016 Taught Me

Travelling alone is essential. 

Get to know who you are when surrounded by strangers. What do you like to eat, do, see when you are alone? A new place is experienced in such a raw way when you are alone. Each street name, the state of the weather, all there is to see is deeper somehow when there isn’t someone else you know to act as a buffer. Out of necessity, you become more open to holding eye contact with perfect strangers, smiling at them when they almost miss their subway stop. Your experience of a place is so pure when you are alone.

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Rejection as fuel

Nobody wants to talk about rejection. Our poor egos, even the word itself feels gross.

When we don’t get what we thought we wanted, we all know the feeling. Disappointment, I really thought this was it, it felt so right, I could see it all play out. For whatever reason, it just wasn’t in the cards. Have you ever noticed the fuel that this creates within you?

All of a sudden you’re your most productive. All of the energy that was going into desiring that one thing or trying to change reality is all of a sudden freed up. So you move full steam ahead toward those things that fuel you, what other choice do you have?

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Just for tonight

There's work left to be done- I know, I know. I feel it too. But just for tonight, can you relish in how far you've come?

Close your eyes and take a minute. Remember who you were, take note of all you've learned, all you've let go of, all of the meaningful connections you've made. You've overcome so much. Take time to acknowledge how resilient you are. Take pride in the many choices you've made for you. In all you've let go of, in all you've obtained. 

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Cleansing your beliefs

We usually know intuitively when we need to cleanse. It often involves too much partying, processed food, procrastinating or too little alone time, healthy food, days at the gym. Our culture seems to be fairly good at toxifying then pulling back and green juicing till we feel human again. What’s less seldom promoted (probably since it’s free) is consciously cleansing our beliefs.

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For when you fall off the wagon (because you will)

There will come a time in your art, your work, or more generally in your life where you will look up and realize things need to change. You'll know you've hit this point by the general discomfort you feel, the nagging sense that something isn't right. Many of us have a sense, for some even a vivid picture of where we're headed. We know how the story ends. The tough part can be playing the course in the way that leads there.

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Letting it blossom

“when something isn’t given you right when you want it, it’s because you’re not ready. it’s the mercy of the universe. this generation doesn’t have any sense of blossoming.” - Marianne Williamson

We all do it, we see what we want and we want it now. Whether it’s a job, a certain stature, a move, a relationship, a piece of clothing. We think we’re fairly clear about what it is we want and what we know for sure is that we want it right-fucking-now.

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I tend to retreat.



  1. (of an army) withdraw from enemy forces as a result of their superior power or after a defeat.
  2. move back or withdraw.
  3. withdraw to a quiet or secluded place.
  4. change one's decisions, plans, or attitude, as a result of criticism from others.

I tend to retreat.

but my mind hasn’t changed.

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On Letting Go

This coming from someone who came out of the womb worrying. Since I can remember, my tactic for ensuring things went smoothly was to consider every possible thing that could go wrong. It gave me some sense of control to know I had already considered every possible negative scenario. It made me feel ahead of the game. In many ways I do think that this awareness of all possibilities has served me, making me hyper vigilant. We all develop tendencies based on our early experience. For me my home life was chaotic at times and my response was to try to control all outcomes through my thoughts.

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The Value of your Inner Life

Our society today is very outward facing. Many feel compelled to consistently share their experiences via various forms of social media. I too feel this pressure at times. We try to maintain a balance between public and private spheres of our lives. Sharing some but not too much. I think social media can be positive if it is used to shed light, to create connection, to share growth and inspiration and to make us laugh. I'm not here to talk about social media or anything outward facing, I'm here to talk about what is seldom discussed, our inner life.

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