writing

beautiful summer

How does it happen?

The attachment and then letting go.

How can you be so content, so involved, enthralled, happy. You see no future of uncertainty, you have no expectation of ever wanting to remove yourself from the situation, get away.

How do you see someone and want to know them, learn to deal with their issues, their quirks, learn to laugh at their jokes, develop a bond and one day decide it isn't worth it?

How do you walk away when you told someone you would stay?

How do you let the future you talked about and agreed upon crumble? How do you sever the ties that have developed between two hearts?

How do you walk away and not wonder about their day, about the rest of their lives, about what they ate for breakfast? 

How do you tell someone that you no longer want your lives to cross? That your money issues, and stresses and joys will once again be only yours and theirs, only theirs.

That they no longer have a companion that is just for them, no longer have someone who will hear their views on everything and everyone around them.

How do you say it isn't worth it anymore? The good doesn't feel good enough for me to stay anymore?

How do you release someone? Knowing from that place deep inside that always knows what is the healthy choice, that when you no longer want to be a place, you should go.

Not just for your sake but for theirs, because though they might think in the moment it would hurt less, no one truly wants someone to stay when they know they want to leave.

No one wants someone sticking around who in the back of their head is gone.

A false sense of hope is worse than no hope at all.

I guess you walk away gently, but firmly. You let it shatter.

You walk away respectfully and humbly, taking responsibility for your side.

You walk away sad because you know better than anyone what you are leaving behind.

You walk away a little broken because this person became a part of you and you have ripped them off of you, painful, brutal, raw. 

In the end though, you walk away with a little more self respect, knowing that you left a situation you knew had served its purpose.

You walk away with a little bit more compassion, promising that next time you will be more honest with yourself and more honest with those around you about how you truly feel.

You walk away stronger, with a conviction that you will not ignore the voice inside you that always knows what is right for you.

You walk away with warm, warm memories about your 24th summer, with a new affinity for the colour yellow.

With jokes and affiliations to songs and parties and clothes that you never had before.

You walk away with a new tenderness because you let yourself be known to another soul.

You walk away with a new vulnerability because you opened your heart to the fleshy matter inside, you let someone in and you gave them the opportunity to break it.

How human.

You walk away with a gap in you the size of the person you left behind, god knows no one will ever fill it.

You saw someone in their uniqueness and isn't that what life is about?

You walk away more mature, a little more sure of yourself. Knowing a little more about what you want, about what you don't.

You walk away alone.

You walk away with yourself, you are reminded that this is who you had from the start.

You walk away tender but knowing that things always work out as they should.

That you are taken care of, that you are safe, that things will be wonderful.

You walk away from a beautiful summer. 

 

written September 2014