Bridging the Gap

I haven’t sat down and written in months and for me that is a clear sign I’m far from myself. Usually it means my energy has been sucked in a direction, intentionally or unknowingly that isn’t serving me. Writing about oneself can feel narcissistic or self absorbed. I can write it off in my head as unnecessary and trivial, but that’s a lie. For me writing about my life helps me understand my life. I’m prone to reminiscing. There’s something about looking back that helps me face forward. I get deeply lost- or so I think- from time to time. For me that usually looks like striving too hard until I inevitably burn out and take to my bed to recoup. It looks like darkness and confusion, questioning and sadness. During those times the future seems bleak and terrifying. Somehow though, usually from the other side, I recognize these dark and painful periods as points of growth and often of letting go. It is anything but easy to try to bridge the gap from the girl I was to the woman I’m becoming, and so, I write.

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beautiful summer

How does it happen?

The attachment and then letting go.

How can you be so content, so involved, enthralled, happy. You see no future of uncertainty, you have no expectation of ever wanting to remove yourself from the situation, get away.

How do you see someone and want to know them, learn to deal with their issues, their quirks, learn to laugh at their jokes, develop a bond and one day decide it isn't worth it?

How do you walk away when you told someone you would stay?

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What 2016 Taught Me

Travelling alone is essential. 

Get to know who you are when surrounded by strangers. What do you like to eat, do, see when you are alone? A new place is experienced in such a raw way when you are alone. Each street name, the state of the weather, all there is to see is deeper somehow when there isn’t someone else you know to act as a buffer. Out of necessity, you become more open to holding eye contact with perfect strangers, smiling at them when they almost miss their subway stop. Your experience of a place is so pure when you are alone.

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Rejection as fuel

Nobody wants to talk about rejection. Our poor egos, even the word itself feels gross.

When we don’t get what we thought we wanted, we all know the feeling. Disappointment, I really thought this was it, it felt so right, I could see it all play out. For whatever reason, it just wasn’t in the cards. Have you ever noticed the fuel that this creates within you?

All of a sudden you’re your most productive. All of the energy that was going into desiring that one thing or trying to change reality is all of a sudden freed up. So you move full steam ahead toward those things that fuel you, what other choice do you have?

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Cleansing your beliefs

We usually know intuitively when we need to cleanse. It often involves too much partying, processed food, procrastinating or too little alone time, healthy food, days at the gym. Our culture seems to be fairly good at toxifying then pulling back and green juicing till we feel human again. What’s less seldom promoted (probably since it’s free) is consciously cleansing our beliefs.

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Letting it blossom

“when something isn’t given you right when you want it, it’s because you’re not ready. it’s the mercy of the universe. this generation doesn’t have any sense of blossoming.” - Marianne Williamson

We all do it, we see what we want and we want it now. Whether it’s a job, a certain stature, a move, a relationship, a piece of clothing. We think we’re fairly clear about what it is we want and what we know for sure is that we want it right-fucking-now.

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I tend to retreat.



  1. (of an army) withdraw from enemy forces as a result of their superior power or after a defeat.
  2. move back or withdraw.
  3. withdraw to a quiet or secluded place.
  4. change one's decisions, plans, or attitude, as a result of criticism from others.

I tend to retreat.

but my mind hasn’t changed.

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On Letting Go

This coming from someone who came out of the womb worrying. Since I can remember, my tactic for ensuring things went smoothly was to consider every possible thing that could go wrong. It gave me some sense of control to know I had already considered every possible negative scenario. It made me feel ahead of the game. In many ways I do think that this awareness of all possibilities has served me, making me hyper vigilant. We all develop tendencies based on our early experience. For me my home life was chaotic at times and my response was to try to control all outcomes through my thoughts.

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